His Ways are Higher

It's hard to believe its been almost a year since I last wrote anything. My heart has really wanted to share some things, so I finally took sometime to write.

It was also just over a year ago I had my last infertility surgery. A surgery that physically went very well according to the doctors but went really wrong with side effects. Let me go back to December 2013. I met with a new OB Surgeon that my Fertility Doctor wanted me to see to have a final surgery to see if that would bring about possible baby #2. We had already had a failed IUI and IVF and the doctors said this was pretty much the last shot. So after meeting with the new doctor, he said he would do the surgery and I of course was excited and asked if he could do it before the end of the year since we had already spent thousands of dollars on prior surgeries and treatments and our deductible had been met so literally the surgery would be free in essence for us....good reason to do the surgery immediately, right?!! Well, maybe not.... So he got me in for surgery December 30th. Leading up to the surgery I was very nervous and very uneasy about...I feared that I wouldn't wake up from the surgery and honestly my spirit didn't feel good about this surgery but I wanted that baby. So no one and nothing was going to stop me. I don't even think I even prayed about it.

So December 30th, I went in and had a 4 hour surgery...My mom and Ben were in the waiting room, concerned as it was taking so long. The doctor ended up removing numerous cysts, had repositioned my fallopian tubes as they were behind my pelvis somehow, then he also repositioned my ovaries as they were also in the wrong spot. Needless, to say it was extensive surgery...however, it was a success and the doctor felt this could possibly be the opportunity to have another baby. However, if I would have know what was about to come...I don't think I would have ever gone through with any of it or at least I should have prayed about it.

We ended up trying to get pregnant the next couple months and of course that didn't happen. But what was even worse was the side effects that came from the surgery and medications they had put me on. I had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia that was put into my incisions causing me to not sleep for 4 days straight...So since I couldn't sleep they gave me medication to help with that which than caused more side effects. The doctors began to take me off the medications and I started having symptoms causing me to have insomnia and no appetite. They wanted me to go on anxiety medications and depression medications but I knew in my heart that wasn't the issue. So I stuck to what I felt was right and didn't take the medications. A week or so later, one of the doctors I saw forgot to wean me off of a certain pill and they cut me cold turkey causing horrible withdrawals which was what was causing all these problems. During this time I couldn't even care for myself. Being a stay at home mom, I felt I couldn't even care for my sweet girl. So I was so thankful for my hubby and mom who really stepped up to help me by staying with Addy. Numerous friends brought over meals, prayed with me, brought cards of care and an amazing book, Jesus Calling, that really got me through. After weeks of no sleep, I cried out to the Lord in desperation and said "I need out of this hole or I just need to go be with you." I literally felt so miserable and felt like my body was going to shut down. He answered, I slept that night....and I slept good. The only place I could fall asleep was in this green soft chair that was Ben's dads. Maybe it was comfort/divine intervention but it helped me sleep.

I finally was doing better, off all meds and my body was healing. One night, I turned to Ben and said, I am done. And he knew what that meant...I was done trying or going to extra measures to have a baby. You see, I had a surgery that I don't think God wanted me to have. It was my decision and I didn't even factor him into it. I was so desperate to have a baby and have my desire filled that I didn't take time or wait to see his plan. I disobeyed. I was discontent for 3 years. I was angry with God for 3 years while I waited for a baby that wasn't in HIS plan. I wasn't a good mommy or wife sometimes. I walked out of His will for my life by taking it into my own hands. Tears flood my eyes to think of all the time I wasted being discontent.

The reason I am writing this a year later is because it was a year ago this month that I went to a Gopher Hockey game with my dad for our birthdays and I wasn't the same person. I was sleep deprived and couldn't eat. I remember my dad saying, this is not my same little girl. A year ago at this time, I was miserable. I was suffering because of my disobedience and discontentment. So on Friday night, my dad and I had a redo Gopher Hockey date!!! And it was perfect. A year ago I was ill, my cholesterol was sky high, my body was shutting down....but then HE raised me up, he took me out of the pit and made me whole again. I have lost 30 pounds of weight, my cholesterol is normal again, I am healthy, my body is healed but most importantly I am going to HIM for everything. I am content in him. My heart is healed.

Many people ask if I still want kids or if we are still trying. I would love more than anything to have another one but right now I am being the mom to the sweet miracle we already have. I am concentrating on what we have now. I am trusting God with my future because only he knows what is best for me. I wasted 3 years relying on my own will and only ended with heartache and discontentment, none of which Christ wants for me.

My mom asked me not to long ago if I still pray for a baby...and my honest answer was no. Not because I don't want one or because I gave up but because I know the Lord knows my heart and I know that his plan for me will always prevail. For the first time in many years, I am not sad each month when I get my period. I trust that he has a better plan, he is protecting me and preparing me for something so much better than I can ever imagine. I am thankful for those who still pray for this for me and still encourage me in this area because infertility will always be apart of my life...

When it boils down to it,  I am thankful for a husband that stuck by me through every surgery, every appointment, every crazy moment. I am thankful for our miracle, Addison Rose.I am thankful for my family and friends who prayed, cried and supported me. I am thankful that because of my suffering it brought me closer to the Lord. So as I look back, do I wish I would have prayed more and done what the Lord wanted...Of course, but because I didn't, I have this story and I have a heart that wants to serve and do his will far above anything else.

So maybe you are going through something horrible and maybe you don't think you will get through...God is SO faithful. He extends so much grace, even when we don't listen or don't go to him, he always takes us back with open arms. He may not give you what you want but he gives you what you need. He may say no, he may say wait and he may say yes but no matter what it is...its for our good.

A verse that I hold dear to me is one that my father in law said to us as he was suffering toward the end of his life...I hope it encourages you as it does me. As my husband always says, God always knows whats best for us and his plan is best

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

 







A Letter From Your Mama

Dearest Addison Rose,

WOW! I can't believe it has been four years since your daddy and I held you for the first time. That was one of the best days of my life, next to marrying your daddy. You were a stubborn little girl that day and didn't want to come out. But eventually through an emergency C-section, (your daddy was video taping) you were born on St. Patrick's Day. My favorite part of that night was you being placed in your daddy's arms first and him carrying you over to me. I didn't get to hold you because it was a surgical room but getting to see your daddy's face holding his little girl was one of the best moments of my life. I was a mama, your mama. A moment I will never forget. We were blessed to have some special people to visit you the night you were born: Grandpa and Grandma , Nana, Great Grandpa Ken and Great Grandma Betty and my cousin Emily. Papa was also there via phone communicating through Grandpa what we should do since you weren't coming out. :) Such a blessing it was to have those people there that night.

Addison, you are such a special girl. I don't know if you know this but you are God's example of a miracle to your daddy and I. Despite all odds and many issues, God blessed us with you. From the moment were born until now you have blessed our world. I think back to your first few months of life and they were tough. But I wouldn't trade a day of staying up all night. I remember reading scripture with you while you were awake at many times of the night. God was such a comfort. I also remember driving you around at 2am in the rain listening to rap music (Yes, don't judge (lol) this is the only thing she feel asleep to...haha).

Each day, you have been such a joy to us. This year more than ever I have seen God work through you to be an example of His goodness and faithfulness. This has been a tough year for your mama and daddy. Firstly, as you know your wonderful Papa went to be with Jesus. We miss him so dearly and I know you miss him too. Just the other day you said to me in the car..."Did Papa die?" I said yes. You proceeded to say, "That is so sad,(she started to just ball her eyes out) I was hoping when I get to Nana's that I would see him again, he is my best buddy." Broke your mama's heart to hear this but I know you had a special bond with him and I am so glad that you love so much. He will always be apart of you. Your daddy is a walking example of him each day. We will always talk about him with you because of the example he was to us.

Your mama and daddy also went through a hard time of trying to conceive a brother or sister for you. It was a trying few years of doctors appointments, treatments and surgeries. However, God has different plans for us. Through this experience we have been told by numerous doctors that you are a true MIRACLE. Yes, you little Addy Paddy are our miracle. God has showed me, He is control and His ways are good and best. Your mama and daddy might not be able to give you a sibling but God has given us the best gift of all...which is you. We continue to trust God has the best plan for our family. And you, do sort of have a brother that you adore...your Wrigley.

Although times have been tough this year, God is faithful and He is always working to bring Glory to His name. God showed me numerous times through you just how good. One night after having one of my surgeries as I put you to bed, you laid your hands over me and prayed to heal me. I was in such amazement that my little 3 year old knew just what to do. Daddy and I are so proud you are learning to know who Jesus is and know his Word. One more example of a time Jesus really spoke to me through you: We were driving to my doctor appointment and I was dropping you off at Grandma's. I was very nervous about this appointment. We were listening to "Let it Go" in the car when all of the sudden you said to me, "Mom, Jesus is sitting next to you." Astonished, I said what? You continued, "He is next to you, so you don't have to be afraid, he will always protect you." (I am telling you people, this girl makes me cry in amazement all the time). It was exactly what I needed to hear and just at the right time.

We are so proud of the little girl you have become and are growing into. You are full of joy, passion, energy, and you are always up for a good game of tag, or knocking daddy over. But the thing I love most about you is your heart of compassion for others and your love/knowledge of Jesus. As you said to me after BSF on Wednesday, "Mom, I don't pretend to love Jesus like the Sadducee's, I really love him." The love you have is just so amazing. One of my favorite things that you do is that no matter where you or I are in the house, you shout "I love you" to me through out the day. Each day you get so excited for your daddy to come home and you ask numerous times is he here yet. As of late you say, I miss him constantly :)

Addison, I could go on with stories of how you have blessed your daddy and my life but it would take all day.

Addy Paddy, we don't care how good you are at sports (of course if you play basketball, I'm sure your daddy would be happy), we don't care if you are the top of your class in academics. The most important thing to us is that you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior. What a joyous day that will be. 3 John 1:4 I  have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

As your Papa and Nana have always said "Only one life will soon be past...Only what's done for Christ will last."

A verse that Grandpa and Grandma taught me as a young kid that I impress on you and something I strive to do each day is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."


So on your 4th Birthday my greatest desire for you is to let your treasure always be Christ. Your grandparents have laid down an amazing foundation for our family. Your daddy and I will do our best to guide you and lead you to HIM!!!!

Addison Rose, you are a blessing, our miracle, you are a treasure that God has entrusted to your daddy and I. We love you more than anything.

Happy Birthday Sweet Addy Paddy! I love you beyond words!

Your Mama

Surgery: A Blessing in Disguise

As many of you know, last Monday I had surgery. At the beginning of December when my infertility doctor called to tell me they didn't want to proceed with anymore treatment, he mentioned me seeing another OB/surgeon. He told me that if I were his daughter that is what he would have me do. So mid December I met with this new doctor. After doing an ultrasound they found out that I not only had endometriosis but also polycystic ovarian syndrome. He told me in his 30 years of being a surgeon he had never seen such a bad case. So he said he wanted to do surgery right away.

Well, I hesitated to ask him but I said (while laughing) so can you do it by the end of the year because we can't afford to have to pay our deductible right away in January. He said, I will make it happen. So we proceeded to go meet with the hospital scheduling and they said there is no way this can happen but they will check with he surgery unit. He had to use a specific type of machine called the Davinci (a robot) to help assist in the surgery. Apparently that equipment/surgical room books 2 months out. The scheduling lady called the hospital and they said, we just had an open at 730am December 30th. All of us looked at each other in shock. Needless to say, I had surgery. Such a blessing it was financially to be able to squeeze it in before the end of the year.

So last week I had surgery, it ended up being 3 hours long which was much longer than expected. They ended up reattaching my ovaries to the correct position in my body. My tubes were behind my pelvis and they also reattached and cleaned them. Then he also removed ALL cysts from my body. They also used a anesthetic that they injected into my 4 incisions that has caused some unpleasant side effects. But overall, the surgery was a success and I am slowly but surely recovering.

My post is really not so much to focus on the surgery itself but all that has happened surrounding it. I have noticed and learned in the past week some things I take for granted. So I just want to share them with you because despite the horrible recovery I had during the beginning last week; there have been so many blessings or things I have taken for granted that I now really appreciate.

I took for granted the power of God. The healing hand that he has and how that I could trust my fears to him. Going into this surgery I was so scared something would go wrong and I wouldn't wake up and get to see Ben and Addy ever again. Crazy, I know...but it was a fear. Through my prayers and prayers of others the Lord blessed me with an amazing surgery and peace that I would wake up again. I took for granted that the Lord always protects me and my family.  Once again, he showed me just how gracious and powerful he was.

I take for granted sometimes those who are the closest to me. Sunday night, I slept at my parents house so that my mom would get up with me at 4am to head to Fairview Southdale for my surgery. So I had a nice evening of spending time with my parents alone as I prepared for the next morning. My mom even made some homemade apple pie. This next thing may sound corny to some but I don't care...My dad tucked me in to bed and gave me his famous goodnight kisses on my cheek like he did when I was little. (He would do a certain number of little kisses, lets say 16 and he would tell me that it is a player from the Vikings and I would have to guess who it was). Then my mom and I got up at 4 am to head for surgery. For those of you who know my mom, she has severe rheumatoid arthritis and if she gets up too early she can be in a lot of pain. Needless to say my mom is AMAZING. She got up at 4am, sat through the whole surgery and recovery and brought me back home where she stayed by my side for 2 days. I can't say enough how thankful I am for my mom and dad!!!

I also learned I take my wonderful hubby for granted to often. He stayed home with Addy Sunday night and got up with her in the morning, dropped her off at his mom's house(thankful for Ben's mom who watched Addy all day-such a blessing) and drove down to Edina for my surgery by 8am. He had no time off left at work and his office is short staffed and yet he was one of the first faces I saw when I woke up. Ben is always there for me, he is my biggest supporter. He made sure I was ok, brought me out to my mom's car for her to bring me home and then had to work until 7. He continued to care for me the rest of the week in numerous ways that I probably can't count. I am blessed to have him as my husband. One thing that really stuck out to me is his amazing faith in God and how he always told me to pray as I was having many fears/worries about this whole process. Thank you, Lord for a husband who calls on you first!

Addison Rose....she is one amazing little girl. She is flexible, adaptable, helpful, self-less and kind hearted. She knows how to be gentle and just love her mama. She came over to my bed and brought me to the bathroom when I had to get up. She says, 'I got you, Mom. I can help." She was so proud to help. On Thursday of last week, it was my first day without "adult" help. Addy sat next to me, we watched Mary Poppins about 10 times and she did a beautiful fashion show. Lord, I am so thankful you blessed me with this miracle. She is the best!

Last week, we were blessed with many wonderful meals from family and friends. I was blessed with amazing phone calls and visits from friends. When you are healthy and things are going perfect, you can really take for granted the people that you surround yourself with. I am blessed with so many that love and support me.  I pray that I can be a blessing like this to others when they need it. 

I think another thing I take for granted is doctors. As many of you know I trust doctors, I believe in them. Being a doctor is a calling. I prayed ahead of time for my surgeon and his staff. The day of surgery each one of them was amazing. They comforted me and were kind every step of the way. This surgeon in particular was the first doctor I felt truly helped deal with the issues I have had for the last 3 years. It gave me a sense of hope and trust that God has mighty plans for our family. It reminded me how thankful I am for doctors and their knowledge. It also reminded me how much I miss my father in law. He was at my last surgery in March as he was battling cancer. He always put other's first and he really walked through the infertility issues with us for the last few years. He always had good advice and always knew what I should do. So to make this surgery decision without him was hard. I took for granted how wonderful it was to have a doctor in the family. But, I was also thankful that because my reproductive endocrinologist cared so much about me (and also knew Charlie) that he referred me to a great surgeon.

Last but not least, I took for granted my home. Being home. Once surgery was over I didn't leave the house until Saturday for Ben's work party. It was refreshing to be home with nothing to do (even though I couldn't do anything). The surgery came at a perfect time. God knew I needed rest.

So, in this last week, I have been blessed. I have a new perspective on hope, trust, fear, family and much more. Although, I am still recovering, I have a hope and peace that I didn't have before the surgery. I am thankful for all the people who have played a roll in showing love and support during this time.

A beautiful verse my Grandma Betty and Grandpa Ken gave to me before my surgery...I am thankful to the Lord that promises these things and he blessed me with each one.

"May the Lord bless you and protect you; may the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you, may he be gracious to you, show you his favor and give you peace." Num. 6:24-26

 



Infertility- Our Journey--Our Story--His Glory

So after much thought and suggestion from someone (wink wink... Amanda) to write about our story...I finally am going to take the plunge. Because that is what it is. A story of pain, confusion, anger, contentment, discontentment, hope, joy, encouragement and peace. Our story.

Infertility. A word I never thought would be apart of my life. A word that I don't like and yet has changed my life incredibly.

It has been three years since Ben and I started trying to have another little kiddo. For those of you who don't know...it took us about a year to conceive our beautiful Addison Rose. While pregnant, at 12 weeks we found out Addy was a twin and we lost the other baby. When Addy was born the doctors found a few cysts on my ovaries and cut them out at the time of the C-section. I gave little thought to what those cysts might mean.

Once Addy turned one we decided to try for another little blessing. However, after a year of trying we decided to go see my OBGYN to see if anything was going on. The first of many steps was to try a medicine to see if that would help the process since there was no indication of prior issues. When that didn't work we proceeded to some tests that would later tell us that I had severe endometriosis that went into my reproductive organs and liver, my tubes were closed due to the endometriosis, my uterus was retro flexed and my ovaries were on top of each other. My insides were just a big hot mess. After all this treatment/tests my OB had me seek care with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. After many tests and different medication treatments, they decided in March 2013 for me to have surgery to remove cysts, open my tubes and also make sure the cysts were not cancerous. The surgery was a success and there was no cancer. After the surgery, we did a few different medication treatments while trying to conceive naturally but none of those worked. My cysts continued to grow and everything just felt hopeless. Getting my period ever month just killed me. I felt overwhelmed. The doctors said my only option would be IVF (In Vitro Fertilization).

In May, we decided to stop treatment and just pray about what the Lord might want for us. Pray for a miracle, since God is in that business anyway. So, summer came and went with no progress and we gave it much thought and in September we decided to proceed with IVF after much thought, prayer and guidance from family/friends. In order to prepare for IVF, one has to be on birth control first, then lots of medications and shots. I got up to taking four shots a day. I remember each day thinking and telling myself, "keep going because this could help you have your baby" and yet wanting to quit each day I woke up.

As this journey has gone on...I started by praying for a baby because that's what "I" wanted. As time went on I started praying for specifically and also for HIS will. And in November I actually prayed that the Lord would stop the IVF cycle if it wasn't going to produce a baby. I felt like that would make things easier to cope with. Well, he answered that. On November 11, my doctor called and said they would have to cancel the IVF cycle because I wasn't producing any follicles (eggs). When that call came, I was devastated and yet part of me knew it was going to happen. I have tried through this process to remain hopeful but honestly it was hard. The doctor told Ben and I that since I went through all the shots that we could try and IUI (Intrauterine insemination)instead of the IVF since we had come all that way...so we proceeded with that. On November 27 we would find out if it worked and if I was pregnant.

For the first time I felt incredibly hopeful but again I prayed, "Lord, if I am not going to be pregnant, help me get my period the day before that appointment on the 27th." Well, on November 26th I got my period. Although, he answered my prayer, I was still heartbroken because I truly wanted another child but didn't want to keep getting disappointed each month.

Today, I was scheduled to meet with my reproductive endocrinologist via phone call.  He called me and began the conversation by saying, I am sorry this didn't work out. He said that he just doesn't think that I am able to get pregnant via IVF, medications,etc... He talked with me about donor eggs (which Ben and I already agreed we are not doing--personal preference), he mentioned adoption and also treatment for my endometriosis.  He suggested me to see another doctor who deals with endometriosis and possibly doing another surgery because my issues is so severe. However, he asked me how I felt about all of this and I said, "You know, God is bigger than all of this, He is a God of miracles and I will continue to believe that whatever happens the Lord has my best interest at heart." Let's just say there was a silence on the other end but then he said, "That's why I like you Katie, you don't give up, you have a hope that other's don't have." He told me to say hi to Ben and that was the end of the conversation.

Now, if you asked me even a week ago how I felt...I would have said I was angry with God...Why would he do this to me? Why is it so hard to just have a baby when it is such a natural thing? In the last three years, I have had a flood of different emotions: jealousy, discontentment, anger, bitterness, sorrow, peace, joy and contentment are just a few...

Last Tuesday when I was told we were pretty much done trying to have kids, the anger in my heart was horrible. I didn't really want to talk with anyone and yet I was flooded with emails from family, friends, my BSF (Bible Study Fellowships) ladies, and wonderful ladies from my church. Every email had bible verses of hope and encouragement. I also had a wonderful phone call with my sister in law, Katie encouraging me not to give up hope...that our hope is in Christ. My identity is in HIM, not in my infertility.

Over the past three years my trust in the Lord has increased, my attitude has changed, my heart has become more obedient to him. On this journey, I have neglected people, I have put my thoughts/wants ahead of what God's plan is for me. I have been discontent with what I already have; I have taken things for granted. It wasn't until a year ago at BSF did I truly understand how much I needed HIM and how much more I needed to trust in him. As we studied Genesis, I watched how Sarah and Abraham waited and waited for their child...for MANY YEARS!!!

It wasn't until Tuesday through different people did I truly understand where my hope was and who it was supposed to be in. I really still had a heart of discontentment. I didn't realize how I really hadn't been obedient, fully obedient to what he wants for my life. So much of my last 3 years was about my wants/desires and what I didn't realize is that maybe that wasn't apart of HIS plan.

God has done a work in me and it isn't finished yet. I am extremely thankful for the amazing patience and understanding of my WONDERFUL husband through the last three years. I am thankful for the grace/mercy both him and Addy have shown me when I haven't been the best wife and mom. I have taken for granted what is right in front of me. My husband is amazing...to put up with my hormones raging and my craziness...not sure how he lived through this. I am thankful for him, beyond belief. He has been an amazing rock. He has been a huge support, always trusting in God, always hoping for the best and always trust HIS WILL for us. Ben is an amazing man of God, someone that is quiet in his faith but lives his life for Christ by example more than anyone I know. He has been an example to me of how to be a better person. He has shown me how to be content with what the Lord has given me.

 I have been so thankful and overwhelmed by the amazing people in my life that have taken time to care, have listened, have come over and  even brought ice cream (Krista...wink wink). I am EXTREMELY thankful for my family who have stood by us through every step of the way. As my mom and Ben's mom watched Addy numerous occasions while I went to endless appointments. As my wonderful father in law sat with Ben as I had surgery, came with me to numerous appointments as he fought for his own life. As my wonderful dad who always had a word of encouragement or bible verses that always just fit what I needed to hear, Romans 8:28 being one I have held dear to, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." To our parents and siblings who have been there for Ben and I more than we could have even imagined. To my wonderful sister in laws, Amanda and Katie who every step of the way have called, taken time to care and show their love. To my cousin Molly, who has sat with me through BSF and encouraged me through the different teachings to trust in him. For all my other family, who have gone out of their way to pray and be ever present in our lives during this time. To my friends, who just took the time to email/call or whatever it might have been. We have been blessed tremendously. God has really used other's to show me how much HE loves me. God has spoke through others and HIS word in a way I could have never imagined.

On Wednesday, November 27th after a day of being with my SIL, Katie and spending time with my parents, I felt a peace, a contentment like I have never felt. It is Jesus, dwelling in me and me seeking him more that I ever have. Being in His Word and praying daily for him to be apart of every moment of my life. I know God is not done with me yet and although the doctors say I can never get pregnant, I know I serve a God who can move mountains, can tame a lion, can walk on water. But if he chooses not to do that for us, boy am I glad he gave me my one miracle.
Thank you Lord for blessing me this past three years with hardships because it all led back to YOU! May I always give you the Glory!

We are so thankful for our miracle!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18  "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Blessings in the Storm

This past month has been quite the storm for our family in many different ways. Firstly, with the loss of my wonderful father in law it has left each of us missing him and grieving in different ways and in different times. But we know he is with the Almighty Creator and he is no longer suffering. We take comfort in that and know we will see him again.

Secondly, I  want to write today about the events of this week. On Monday, I went to see an Endocrinologist myself for a second opinion in regards to my fertility issues. The doctor was wonderful but she said that there is just too much going against me to get pregnant naturally ever again.  The endometriosis is one thing but add on the retro-flexed uterus, flip-flopped ovaries and you got yourself a mess in there :) She said our best option if I want to carry a child is IVF.

Needless to say I left the office feeling discouraged.Its hard not being able to have a child and feeling like it is your fault because I have all these things wrong with me. Numerous people have shared advice. Some people have been against IVF and others think...go for it. Either way I haven't felt settled on what God wants us to do. So Tuesday I began praying the Lord to make it clear to me...

Wednesday I had the wonderful opportunity to start BSF with my cousin Molly again. This is something I enjoy and truly crave each week...It was a blessing in the midst of my storm. Women meeting together and worshiping our savior and even more of a humbling day being on the anniversary of 9/11. I was also able to enjoy the evening with two wonderful ladies (Christina and Angie) who always can make me laugh and encourage me to seek the Lord's guidance.

Thursday, I would say was one of the worst days of my life as a mom. Addy was scheduled to have a second opinion in regards to her endocrine issue. I went into the appointment just thinking it was early puberty as the last doctor said. Little did I know minutes into the appointment the doctor would say that her levels are so high, we need to check for a tumor...Tears just streamed down my face as my sweet girl would have to have an ultrasound and be checked for a tumor.

Before we were sent to the radiologist the doctor asked me out of the blue if I had issues conceiving and had endometriosis. I had told her I was having lots of fertility issues and she stopped me and said she had the same exact issue. (mind you at this point I have not met anyone in person going through/gone through the same issue)She had one child and couldn't conceive a second and she boldly said she and her husband did IVF. She encouraged me and gave me hope. Again, another blessing God using this doctor to encourage me in the midst of Addy's appointment. The doctor went onto say that the IVF she had done was at the same clinic I am being seen at. Coincidence; I think not...It was God, it was God answering my prayers of needing to hear someone else going through the same issue and being encouraged by it.

We proceeded to radiology, they did the ultrasound. Watching my sweet girl sit there so patiently and yet it the midst I could see her start to tear up. She turned to me and says "I'm so glad you are here mom, but I need my daddy to protect me to." I of course just lost it again... Those precious words from that sweet mouth. A little blessing in the midst. The test was over and they said they would call us in 24 hours with results...WAIT!!!!!! Yuck, I hate waiting but I am starting to get better at it....

Ben got home from work and we just wanted to get our mind off things so we ran some errands and took Addy to La Casita for dinner. Everything was wonderful and fine until we left. We got Addy a mint on the way out and started to walk out to the car. She tripped on the curb and when she tripped the mint got lodged in her throat and she couldn't breathe.

In the next moment which felt like years...I remembered my brother, Scott taught me the Heimlich maneuver. I immediately grabbed Addy and did it once...nothing happened. I did it one more time and it came flying out. In those few short minutes I was so scared I was going to lose my little girl and yet God gave me this amazing calmness to help her.

As I write you now, my sweet girl is resting in bed. We heard from the doctor today and she does NOT have a tumor and just has some adrenal gland issues we will probably have to monitor the rest of her life but I will take that!

So, yes this was a lot to write but I just wanted to share how good God is. In the midst of all our storms this summer. God has always been there. He has never left. Even when something was extremely bad; God showed up and made it a blessing. Its amazing to me how he uses others to bless us.

We are extremely thankful for all the prayers for Addy the past couple days. The prayers in and of itself are a HUGE blessing.

The last thing I want to share is this song that is probably my favorite...My mom also got me a devotional to go with this song by Laura Story.

Blessings

Lyrics:
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home.....
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

Blessings by Laura Story



A Father; Forever in a Daughter's Heart

When I think back to all the memories growing up with my dad; I have truly been blessed. To me there is nothing more priceless than having a dad. A dad is someone who protects, loves, plays sports with you, coaches you, disciplines you, prepares you and leads you to Christ. Those are just some of the things that my dad has done. Nothing will ever replace having a dad who leads our family where Christ is the center. One of my fondest memories I have of my dad is when I would be yelling down the laundry chute to ask what he is doing and his answer was always reading the bible.

My dad taught me through example. At an early age, he placed before me right and wrong, values to have, and traditions to hold onto. My dad always provided for our family, always was apart of our every day life, always helped, always fixed things and still does today. Let's just say if something is broken; I call my dad.

So needless to say when I had a little girl, I was so excited for her to experience what I did in having a father. When I married Ben, I knew from the get go that he would be a phenomenal father; and he is. He also has an example of an amazing father. One who sacrificed to provide for his family, who coached him in basketball to gain a Division 1 scholarship and they coach side by side today, one who generously is helping his family and others, a man of honesty, integrity and one of the biggest hearts I know.

These three men in my life have impacted me and my family in a way that no one else can. Men of integrity, courage, love, respect, protection, faithful, hope, loyal and much more. I love these 3 men more than life and words can never express the impact they have placed on my life.

I am so glad Addy has an amazing father; her eyes when he walks in each night say it all. One of my most favorite things is how my 6'5" husband gets on the ground and plays right at her level even if it is with Barbies. Another thing, I just love that Ben always sets aside time for daddy/daughter date night...They head to Perkins for some Rainbow Pancakes!

So on this special day, I say thank you to the men in my life; my husband, dad's, brother's, grandpa, uncles, cousins(by marriage). You play such an important role in shaping our kids and that can NEVER be replaced. A child needs a father and I am so thankful that I have been blessed with these amazing men in my family. Each one of you has left a lasting imprint on my life. Such a legacy of godly men who lead their families in Christ!

The righteous man walks in his integrity; his children are blessed after him."- Proverbs 20:7

Aviation Day with Grandpa and Grandma

This past weekend Addy and I went with my parents to Discover Aviation Days at the Blaine Airport. For those of you who don't know, my dad has his pilot's license so ever since I was little I grew up in airplanes. I think I actually took my first ride when I was 2. Over the years I have gone with my dad to airshows and have enjoyed learning about airplanes. Needless to say when Addy was born she was destined to continue on the tradition. So last year Addy went to the airshow in Blaine and we continued that tradition again this year. I don't know about you, but I love traditions and they mean even more when it is carried on from generation to generation.

Road Trip with Wrigley

Last weekend we drove up to Hawley, MN for a Graduation Open House for one of our Glory basketball players. We decided to stay the night in Detroit Lakes since they allowed dogs and it was a 4 hour drive. This was Wrigley's first trip with the family to a hotel...I think he rather enjoyed it. :) And so did we!

Blessed Mama

Today, I reminded of all the blessings the Lord has given to me. I am reminded of how precious life is and that God gives us this life. I was blessed to grow up with an amazing mom who today has become one of my best friends. I was blessed to marry into a wonderful family and gained a wonderful godly mother in law and sister in law. I was blessed when my brother married a godly wonderful woman. I was raised with two wonderful grandmas and Ben's grandma who gave their loving, godly examples through out my life. I have numerous aunts, cousins and friends who have showed me not only what its like to be a mom but a godly woman.

Not until March 17, 2010 did I truly know what motherhood would be like. I always new I wanted to be a mama and have 2 children (Lord Willing). March 17 was one of the best days of my life, getting to meet my little girl for the first time. I realized at that moment that God had given to Ben and I a precious life in our care. What it has meant to be a mom is much more than changing diapers and holding in my arms; its about making a disciple to follow Jesus Christ and glorify his name. After all, she isn't mine....she is the Lord's. Its a hard thing to grasp that she isn't mine but for now God has entrusted in me this precious life to lead her to bring to his Glory.

I am thankful today that I have had so many godly examples of how to be a mom and woman of God. This is a blessing not everyone has but I am surrounded by women who uplift me and encourage me to be the best mom I can be. The support I have had and the advice given are such a blessing to help raise my beautiful girl.

Our little girl is so precious. Each day I am amazed how she begins to grow and learn more. I am always astonished at what comes out of her mouth....mostly when it relates to Jesus. Her heart is so loving and forgiving. She is pure and she is magnificent. My prayer for her is that she will come to know Jesus as her personal savior.

I am blessed to be surrounded by a family who trusts in Christ each day. I am thankful for a husband who guides and protects our daughter; who teacher her right from wrong. I am blessed that Addy can know her grandparents and that the teach her about Jesus. I am thankful for her aunts and uncles who love her and pray for her. I am thankful for her great-grandparents who share wisdom and love. I am thankful for my cousins who visit her and pour their time into her. I am thankful for our friends that care about her and invest in her.

There are so many people who play a huge role in our daughter's life and I am so thankful for that. Today, I am blessed beyond measure. I put some pictures together from her first few days/months of life...Enjoy! Happy Mother's Day---May we remember the blessings that God has given us today.

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” ... Proverbs 31:25-30

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" Jeremiah 1:5

When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! But why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. Luke 1:41-44

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16