His Ways are Higher

It's hard to believe its been almost a year since I last wrote anything. My heart has really wanted to share some things, so I finally took sometime to write.

It was also just over a year ago I had my last infertility surgery. A surgery that physically went very well according to the doctors but went really wrong with side effects. Let me go back to December 2013. I met with a new OB Surgeon that my Fertility Doctor wanted me to see to have a final surgery to see if that would bring about possible baby #2. We had already had a failed IUI and IVF and the doctors said this was pretty much the last shot. So after meeting with the new doctor, he said he would do the surgery and I of course was excited and asked if he could do it before the end of the year since we had already spent thousands of dollars on prior surgeries and treatments and our deductible had been met so literally the surgery would be free in essence for us....good reason to do the surgery immediately, right?!! Well, maybe not.... So he got me in for surgery December 30th. Leading up to the surgery I was very nervous and very uneasy about...I feared that I wouldn't wake up from the surgery and honestly my spirit didn't feel good about this surgery but I wanted that baby. So no one and nothing was going to stop me. I don't even think I even prayed about it.

So December 30th, I went in and had a 4 hour surgery...My mom and Ben were in the waiting room, concerned as it was taking so long. The doctor ended up removing numerous cysts, had repositioned my fallopian tubes as they were behind my pelvis somehow, then he also repositioned my ovaries as they were also in the wrong spot. Needless, to say it was extensive surgery...however, it was a success and the doctor felt this could possibly be the opportunity to have another baby. However, if I would have know what was about to come...I don't think I would have ever gone through with any of it or at least I should have prayed about it.

We ended up trying to get pregnant the next couple months and of course that didn't happen. But what was even worse was the side effects that came from the surgery and medications they had put me on. I had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia that was put into my incisions causing me to not sleep for 4 days straight...So since I couldn't sleep they gave me medication to help with that which than caused more side effects. The doctors began to take me off the medications and I started having symptoms causing me to have insomnia and no appetite. They wanted me to go on anxiety medications and depression medications but I knew in my heart that wasn't the issue. So I stuck to what I felt was right and didn't take the medications. A week or so later, one of the doctors I saw forgot to wean me off of a certain pill and they cut me cold turkey causing horrible withdrawals which was what was causing all these problems. During this time I couldn't even care for myself. Being a stay at home mom, I felt I couldn't even care for my sweet girl. So I was so thankful for my hubby and mom who really stepped up to help me by staying with Addy. Numerous friends brought over meals, prayed with me, brought cards of care and an amazing book, Jesus Calling, that really got me through. After weeks of no sleep, I cried out to the Lord in desperation and said "I need out of this hole or I just need to go be with you." I literally felt so miserable and felt like my body was going to shut down. He answered, I slept that night....and I slept good. The only place I could fall asleep was in this green soft chair that was Ben's dads. Maybe it was comfort/divine intervention but it helped me sleep.

I finally was doing better, off all meds and my body was healing. One night, I turned to Ben and said, I am done. And he knew what that meant...I was done trying or going to extra measures to have a baby. You see, I had a surgery that I don't think God wanted me to have. It was my decision and I didn't even factor him into it. I was so desperate to have a baby and have my desire filled that I didn't take time or wait to see his plan. I disobeyed. I was discontent for 3 years. I was angry with God for 3 years while I waited for a baby that wasn't in HIS plan. I wasn't a good mommy or wife sometimes. I walked out of His will for my life by taking it into my own hands. Tears flood my eyes to think of all the time I wasted being discontent.

The reason I am writing this a year later is because it was a year ago this month that I went to a Gopher Hockey game with my dad for our birthdays and I wasn't the same person. I was sleep deprived and couldn't eat. I remember my dad saying, this is not my same little girl. A year ago at this time, I was miserable. I was suffering because of my disobedience and discontentment. So on Friday night, my dad and I had a redo Gopher Hockey date!!! And it was perfect. A year ago I was ill, my cholesterol was sky high, my body was shutting down....but then HE raised me up, he took me out of the pit and made me whole again. I have lost 30 pounds of weight, my cholesterol is normal again, I am healthy, my body is healed but most importantly I am going to HIM for everything. I am content in him. My heart is healed.

Many people ask if I still want kids or if we are still trying. I would love more than anything to have another one but right now I am being the mom to the sweet miracle we already have. I am concentrating on what we have now. I am trusting God with my future because only he knows what is best for me. I wasted 3 years relying on my own will and only ended with heartache and discontentment, none of which Christ wants for me.

My mom asked me not to long ago if I still pray for a baby...and my honest answer was no. Not because I don't want one or because I gave up but because I know the Lord knows my heart and I know that his plan for me will always prevail. For the first time in many years, I am not sad each month when I get my period. I trust that he has a better plan, he is protecting me and preparing me for something so much better than I can ever imagine. I am thankful for those who still pray for this for me and still encourage me in this area because infertility will always be apart of my life...

When it boils down to it,  I am thankful for a husband that stuck by me through every surgery, every appointment, every crazy moment. I am thankful for our miracle, Addison Rose.I am thankful for my family and friends who prayed, cried and supported me. I am thankful that because of my suffering it brought me closer to the Lord. So as I look back, do I wish I would have prayed more and done what the Lord wanted...Of course, but because I didn't, I have this story and I have a heart that wants to serve and do his will far above anything else.

So maybe you are going through something horrible and maybe you don't think you will get through...God is SO faithful. He extends so much grace, even when we don't listen or don't go to him, he always takes us back with open arms. He may not give you what you want but he gives you what you need. He may say no, he may say wait and he may say yes but no matter what it is...its for our good.

A verse that I hold dear to me is one that my father in law said to us as he was suffering toward the end of his life...I hope it encourages you as it does me. As my husband always says, God always knows whats best for us and his plan is best

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9